Cluster without Fluster
handling conflict when it does occur

By Roy Zazeraj

"Property rights mean more than unviolated herbaceuos borders" P.J. O'Rourke

Okay, so you've done everything you could to be a good neighbour. You've been considerate, understood the frustrations of close quarter living, tried to get to know the other owners in the scheme, worked on those emotional bank accounts (EBAs). But still the "faeces has impacted on the rotary oscillator". Conflict is in the air. Its seldom fun.

So how do we deal with it? We can ignore it, hide from it, delay action, get defensive, get accusatory, attack the complainer - all good ways to get conflict to escalate of course. Not a great idea, unless you harbour secret ambitions to emulate Robert Mugabe. As we have always been told, the best solution is always to deal with it (constructively) as soon as possible.

On the assumption that you are interested in removing the conflict (and it seems some people just aren't!) here are seven short steps to handling conflict. They work, whether you or your neighbour are the aggrieved party. However, we will deal with them here as though your neighbour is upset with something you or family/friends have done. Keep the example of your regular visitor inadvertantly parking in the neighbour's reserved bay in mind as you work through the steps. Note that the steps need not be exactly sequential and might be dealt with in a number of meetings, over a short period.

Step 1 Defuse the situation. There is always emotion, ranging from mild to intense, in any conflict. This mitigates against reason, balance and collaborative problem-solving. Acknowledge the person's irritation or anger upfront. Stay calm, ask questions, listen, empathise, offer to help, be friendly. Allow the other person to vent their emotions (within reason). Above all move the focus to the issue itself, away from personalities. The status of your respective EBAs will no doubt play a role here (positive or negative).

Step 2 Be assertive, businesslike. Here again, keep the focus on the issue. Make sure you get accurate and complete information (again, using judicious questions). Be polite, but firm - don't allow yourself to be browbeaten. Reserve and protect your rights appropriately. Having a demonstrable attitude of win-win really helps as well; diplomacy is not the art of having someone else have your way!

Step 3 Gather facts with the neighbour. Ask issue-focussed questions, listen intently. Regularly test your respective understanding of the facts. Make notes where appropriate, to show you are serious about the issue. Then ask for the neighbour's desired solution, in a neutral manner. Even if this is not immediately acceptable to you, you will know the direction the neighbour is moving in. The idea with this step is to create an atmosphere of collaborative problem-solving in a non-threatening environment.

Step 4 Investigate. This could be done with the neighbour or with other interested parties. Don't jump to conclusions. Calm yourself further if needed (its okay to have that quick stiff tot, but stop there if you don't want your reasoning to go wobbly). Get hold of other appropriate facts. Ask for advice or information where needed (write to On The House!). Look for the root cause of the problem (eg the reserved parking bay is not marked as such, or the friend is just distracted and forgetful). Next determine the solution options available and determine the best option in this case, with this neighbour.

Step 5 Decide on appropriate action. Having decided on the best solution (remember the win-win attitude) from your point of view, its now a matter of telling, selling or negotiating a compromise solution with the neighbour. Using our example, you could suggest a "reserved" sign be erected, or get your neighbour and friend to meet over a cup of coffee. Make sure the solution is workable in practice. Be generous where you can, but there is seldom a need to "give it all away".

Step 6 Take action. While staying assertive, discuss the proposed solution with the neighbour . Continue to empathise. Be willing to apologise where this is appropriate (sometimes this is all the other party is looking for!). Now the really important part - get agreement, including on what each party will do. If there is resistance, ask for suggestions, but stay on a win-win track and keep working towards an agreed solution. Then implement (no procrastination!). Without actual implementation you have no long-term solution.

Step 7 Follow-through. Ensure the solution is a lasting one. Prevent the problem from re-occuring. Show continuing interest that the cause of the conflict is permanently removed. Show your neighbour that you care. Express appreciation for their role in solving the problem. You will have made a significant deposit in your EBA with that neighbour. This might even be an opportunity to make a good new friend.

If these 7 steps are handled successfully, there is a better chance of not only sorting out the immediate problem, but being able to do so quickly the next time a dispute arises with that neighbour. Practice might not make perfect, but it does help you get luckier - just ask Gary Player. Good luck!