Cluster without Fluster
I'm OK, You're OK, OK?

By Roy Zazeraj

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners" PJ O'Rourke

The signs and moods of summer are everywhere. Winter woolies have given way to warm weather wear. Fires in the grate have been swopped for fires in the braai. Hibernating neighbours are creeping out to play - with varying degrees of pleasure and accompanying sound effects. Its a time of gardening, renovating, outdoor entertaining, swimming, bird watching, car washing, and whatever else gets us out into the African sun.

At this time of year I tend to notice an old stone tablet in our garden which reads "The kiss of the sun for pardon, the song of the bird for mirth, you're nearer to God in a garden, than anywhere else on earth". A bit corny perhaps, but then the busy birdlife wouldn't turn their beaks up at a bit of corn. Generally speaking, the feelgood factor is out of its foxhole and flourishing. Hey - life is good.

But all this potentially joyful al fresco activity also holds potential for increased conflict. We are more in each others faces, there is increased volume around pools and braais, children seem to be running in all directions, lawnmowers and weed-eaters do their noisy job, more convivial visitors are in evidence (parking where they shouldn't) etc. Things happen that we take exception to. Depending on how we choose to respond, the feelgood factor can quickly evaporate. So how should we respond?

Here's a quick masterclass on handling a dispute with a neighbour (vanilla version).

Secondly, here is a simple tool to analyse any situation with a neighbour which has the potential for conflict. Draw three overlapping circles arranged in a triangle (one on top, two side-by-side at the bottom).

Put SITUATION in the top circle. What is the actual, factual situation? Is it really important? Are you or the neighbour sweating the small stuff? What is the history of the situation? Are there rules, rights or property involved? How much emotional investment do you both have at stake here? (the more emotion, the more difficult the situation).

Put SELF in the bottom left hand circle. What do you as a person bring to the situation? - your personality, your biases (yes, we all have them), your anger management, your mood right now? etc

Then put NEIGHBOUR into the bottom right hand circle. Notice how we are bringing the neighbour in last, after considering situation and self first. What do you know about this neighbour - see questions under SELF.

Having done this simple analysis you can decide how best to deal with the neighbour to ensure a productive interaction.

Finally, its good to remind ourselves of the value of a win-win attitude when seeking to deal with awkward situations. What is your underlying attitude? What is your neighbour's underlying attitude? How each of you views the situation and each other will heavily influence how you go about dealing with the point of contention.

There are four main possibilities on each side, only one of which is in any way constructive.

1. I'm right You're wrong. (I'm right, I have my rights, only my viewpoint is valid, I am happy to win at your expense)
2. You're right, I'm wrong (I've probably messed up again, its all my fault, you win)
3. I'm wrong, you're wrong (I might be in the wrong, but that doesn't mean that you are right, or that I will let you win)
4. I'm right, you're right (although we might have differing viewpoints, they are probably both valid from where we each stand. Lets look for a solution that suits us both, and that maintains self-esteem on all sides).

No prizes for guessing which is the most appropriate attitude, on both sides. Again, make sure you (at least) choose wisely.

Now, powered with the knowledge that your response is your choice, with a simple analysis of the dynamics of the interaction, and a desire to see all parties benefit, you have a fighting chance to resolve the issue and feel good about the end result. It takes a bit of work, but its a whole lot better than flying off the handle and spoiling the day for yourself and those around you. Letting off steam doesn't - it tends to build up a lot more steam that takes even longer to dissipate. Don't worry, deal with it, and be happy.