Cluster without Fluster
Dealing with Angry People

By Roy Zazeraj

"Yeah, my bloods so mad, feels like coagulatin' " Barry McQuire

There is an old saying that anger manages everything badly, but do we heed the message? Not enough it seems.

A recent story from Tel Aviv tells of a black cat being banned from using the stairs of an apartment building. Seven-year old Kooshi, is described as having a mid-night black coat and green eyes, and is in the habit of passing between people's legs. Her owners are now required to carry the cat up and down the stairs. It seems residents are angry at her behaviour and have a superstitious aversion to its colour. Kooshi's owners responded with anger, and a court case is pending. It seems a petty enough story, but the anger is real. And so are the consequences.

The body corporate of a Cape Town block of flats is taking a resident to the Cape High Court, to seek relief from his alleged unruly, disruptive behaviour. This includes smoking in the lifts and corridors, use of foul language and disturbing the peace when under the influence. Many residents have complained angrily about him, and he has responded in anger. Not such a petty story, but again the anger and consequences are real.

Angry action (or reaction) can often be petty, vindictive and destructive. We see many examples of overreaction and angry tit-for-tats spiralling out of hand. My late father was fond of saying that anger makes the mouth faster than the brain. You can end up letting off more esteem than steam! There are people who actually take pride in being quick to anger, proudly using it to intimidate others. Which reminds me of the riposte "just because you blow your top does not mean you have a dynamic personality!" Hasty action born of sudden anger has potential for lasting damage. The old Chinese proverb holds that "one moment of patience may ward off a great disaster, while one moment of impatience may ruin a whole life." Melodramatic it may be, but a valuable pause for thought. Anger does have a positive side. It can be a normal, and even healthy, emotion, as long as it is not destructive in intent, or all consuming of emotional energy. It can give vent to hidden frustrations and draw attention to inadmissible behaviour or injustices (perceived or real). It is often a spur to greater understanding and positive action. Good or bad, it is usually an uncomfortable emotion to deal with, whether within you, being directed at you, or between warring neighbours. The good news is it can be managed.

Below are some tips to deal constructively with angry people. They should work for most situations, whether the person approaches you, or you initiate the discussion. Note that the person need not be angry with you. They could be angry with an inconsiderate tenant, a biased member of the body corporate, inaccurate participation quotas, being overruled by an apathetic AGM majority etc. If they are angry with you, it could be for reasons unknown to you. Your constructive role can help to defuse the situation, and steer a path to suitable solutions and better relationships.

1. Clearly acknowledge the anger they are feeling. Do not ignore it, dismiss it or belittle it. Say openly that you see and understand that they are upset, and you welcome the opportunity to discuss it. This does not mean that you condone the anger or believe the causes to be valid. It does mean you are concerned and interested in helping. Let the person vent their emotions initially. Create a non-threatening atmosphere so the person feels free to talk openly.
2. Probe, while staying calm, dignified and quietly assertive. Listen and ask factual, solution-based questions. Don't make assumptions. Especially do not respond aggressively or allow yourself to be intimidated. An angry exchange of words leads nowhere constructive. Stay courteous and in control. Use a measured tone and volume when talking. Do not get hooked by emotive words or even profanities. Indicate your willingness to respect confidentiality where appropriate.
3. Summarise the situation as you have understood it. Test your understanding but stick to the facts as far as possible. Avoid defensiveness, value judgements or offering your own opinions of people and situations. Allow the other person to confirm the facts, or correct where necessary.
4. Explore solutions. Your approach so far should have helped reduce the emotions. It is time to focus on seeking solutions to whatever problem (real or imagined) is the source of the anger. Explore equitable options and possible constraints. Remain calm and assertive, but convey a positive belief that a solution can be found. Agree a best path forward. This could include further investigation, seeking other perspectives etc.
5. Take appropriate action. If you, or a family member, is at fault, admit it and apologise sincerely. Commit to not letting it happen again. If the other person is to blame, state this calmly and firmly, seeking commitment to corrective action. If a third party or body corporate is at fault, agree who will take what action. Make it clear that you want it to be fair to all parties.
6. Show appreciation. They have brought a problem to your attention and maybe taken a bit of a risk. Express your appreciation and continued interest in seeing the problem resolved. These steps will not solve everything or appease all angry people. However, James Baldwin made the valid point that "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced". And we are all better off with an approach that seeks to solve problems, rather than fuelling them.