Cluster without Fluster

By Roy Zazeraj

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give." Winston Churchill

Let's face it, the potential for conflict exists in any relationship. Not just close personal relationships, but all relationships - no matter how rudimentary or fleeting. Even the expression of "road rage" creates a relationship between the parties. Knowing this, how can we proactively limit or prevent conflict from arising?

Well, when last did you say or do something nice for a neighbour? Without being asked or without expecting to be thanked? It need not be anything big or significant, just a gesture showing we care about them and their well-being. I have a neighbour who, when out mowing his verge, continues and mows the small verge of the person next door. Another phones to warn that I have left the car lights on (again). Yet another is known for only making kind comments about her neighbours. These little things are what Stephen Covey refers to as deposits in the "Emotional Bank Account" (EBA) you have with others. Regular deposits build up a good credit balance.

Naturally, this is easier to do with some than with others. Thomas Kyne once said "courtesy is opening a door for a woman you would not wish to open a bedroom door for". Somewhat cynical, but you get the point.

Lily Tomlin leads into the flip side of all this with "man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain"? Do you regularly seek fault and let it be known by word or gesture that you are annoyed, critical or worse? (even if it's to a third party - words spread quickly). Even when you are nice about it, it can backfire. I read recently about a lady who respectfully asked her neighbours to prevent their dogs from leaving unwanted deposits on her front lawn (or at least to remove it). The response was a large parcel of 'doggy do's' on her front door mat the next day (neighbour's children suspected!).

Being critical, complaining, showing aggression, nastiness, uncaring attitudes, breaking trust, not keeping promises, talking behind neighbour's backs, and similar behaviour, are all withdrawals from that emotional bank account . Regular withdrawals put you in the red with that particular neighbour (and even their families and friends).

What are the consequences?

Let's assume you have a healthy emotional bank balance with a neighbour. There will be a mutual feeling of goodwill between you. If either party does something to upset the other (say you've made a hash of pruning the hedge between your properties), whether intentional or not, it is against a background of high tolerance. There is a greater likelyhood of quick forgiveness. One withdrawal is unlikely to put the EBA into deficit, and both parties will feel a willingness to maintain a sound relationship. And a simple deposit (like a sincere apology) can usually bring things back to normal. However, if the EBA is already in deficit, the consequences are likely to be somewhat different! A mildly upset neighbour can become a wildly upset neighbour. Tolerance of each other's behaviour is already low and the EBA goes further into the red. Instead of quick forgiveness, expect quick retribution (complete removal of the hedge!). You are more likely to have open conflict and the much more effort (and emotional trauma) will be required to bring the EBA back into the black.

The EBA is a simple mental (and emotional) tool. Building sound EBAs with your neighbours helps prevent conflict and maintain helpful productive relationships. It does not mean going all soft and gooey with your neighbours. It is what I call "productive selfishness" - looking after other's interests in order to look after your own. Who needs conflict?

In parting, it is not recommended that you plaster mugshots of each neighbour (and the state of that EBA) on your fridge door!